The End of My World as I Know It (And the Start of a New One)

I have been thinking of ending this blog for some time, rather than just letting it fade away. Some things have happened recently that make me feel my age is no longer nebulous, but that I am indeed over that proverbial hill. I will continue to blog, but I will start a new one which reflects my new reality. I'm not quite sure what that is yet, but I'm working on it.

The most important thing that has happened is that my mom died. The funeral was yesterday, and I was going to write about it, but as I started to think about things to write in relation to this past week, I discovered my emotions are still a little too raw to do it right now. The horrible events today in Connecticut are doing something odd and as yet indescribable to my personal grief. The one thing I can say is the fact that the man shot his mother on the week I said farewell to mine is particularly galling. I can't even begin to talk about the children.

I also found out when I came back from the funeral and checked my Facebook page, a colleague (two years younger than I) had died suddenly the day before. This was not someone I knew personally, but I knew who he was. He taught a workshop I had attended recently. One of the young ladies I accompanied to Germany this past spring was his student, and her Facebook post was how I found out. She liked him a lot, as I think most of his students did.

The final thing happening is this, and I am glad I have something to say that's positive. My husband and I recently bought a place in Florida. We will be "snow birds" who head south when the weather gets too cold. We bought the whole place online (offer, etc) and closed with a notary here, but we spent Thanksgiving week there. We met a few neighbors and we love the place. We will keep our home here for some time yet, but we will probably eventually make our permanent home there.

Once I start my new blog, I will post here one last time with the information. Thanks to those of you who took time to read this blog.

Small Victories

I'm happy to report that I have lost 10 pounds since the beginning of the year, and I am on track to lose more most of the time. I have been slowly but steadily improving at bowling (though still the lowest scorer on the league). Finally, the Germany trip looks like it's going to be a reality. I will be teaching an online class to prepare the students who are going. I have never taught an online class (actually, its sort of hybrid; two classes, in theory, are supposed to meet in person) before. I am soooo excited!

Progress

I'm still trying to work on the health stuff one good choice at a time. The weight is going in the right direction (down, of course) but very slowly. My husband was really successful with modified Perricone so he'd like me to try that. He's willing to cook for me, so I'll give it a go. One problem I have with plans that are somewhat prescriptive in nature is I have to think about food too much and then I start obsessing in a way that causes me to want to eat constantly. He does most of the cooking anyway (he's a very good cook) so it will feel pretty natural. Some things I've been doing well are avoiding second helpings, snacking on fruit, and making better choices (usually) when I eat away from home. I have to work on my angry eating, candy fixation (the world is full of candy), and eating between meals.

I had to skip my second week of bowling because I pulled a muscle in my back during a coughing fit. The strong meds, warm Thermacare packs and pain caused me to sleep a lot for a few days, so that kept me away from the fridge. I did get to the third week of bowling and had fun (although my teammates never think I'm having fun because I always seem tense, but that's just how I seem when I'm doing anything out of the ordinary). I drink beer at bowling (not too much), so I will plan for that from a calorie standpoint.

The annoying work stuff has been tempered by a wonderful opportunity. It looks like I will be teaching an online class connected with a trip to Germany, and I'll be going on that trip as well. That is another incentive to get in better shape. It's just easier to travel from a variety of perspectives when one is strong and slender...long plane trips, wardrobe/packing choices, carrying stuff and so on. I have to complete the application (it's for another CC) today. I thought it would be a simple application for the record, but it appears I have to prepare a lot of accompanying materials. I'm trying to figure out every class I've taught for the past five years, going through papers and whatnot. It's also motivating me to review what German I know, especially since I've been getting kind of lazy because I'm auditing my current class. The class I'm teaching is more a cultural/preparation kind of thing, so fluency is not so important. I'm going to do some intensive study anyway because I want to be a good example.

Bowling

I am replacing someone on our work bowling team for the next several weeks. I went for the first time earlier this week and I was not very good at all, but I really think I will get better. My teammates are nice and encouraging and really gave helpful advice. It was nice to spend time with work folks in that context, although it's hard to come into an established group of people and not feel shy and awkward for a while. I'm really looking forward to going back next week. I really enjoyed being involved in an activity and not just sitting in front of the computer or TV.

Games

I'm doing a little bit better now because I've got skin in the game. I joined one of these contests in which you submit some money. If you lose a certain percentage of weight by a certain time, you get your money back, and you split up the money of those who didn't meet the goal among the successful participants.

The percentage I need to lose in the amount of time I need to lose it is not at all unreasonable, and will get me back into the clothes that no longer fit.

There is a situation going on at work that is making me really angry, so I don't know whether that anger is going to help me burn off calories or make me want to eat unhealthy things to handle the stress. It is certainly a motivator for exercise. The situation is being handled via the proper channels, but I'm in this place now where I just want a WIN. I wonder if this is what happens to politicians; at some point, it's not so much about principles, but they just don't want to be beat down in the game. (To be clear, it is still about the principles for me, but I really want to play the hand I have well. I want people to know that those of us affected know how.)

I think I'm going to call the guy who cuts my hair this week. I'm going to ask him to give me something that looks corporate scary.

Week 2 Will Be Better

There were small victories this week regarding my health makeover, but quite honestly, I did not do what I set out to do. There were a couple emotional challenges this week, and I suspect there will be next week as well. That's when work gets into full swing, my new German classes start, and I think I might be joining a bowling league (that will actually be fun, I think). I'm going to try to live my plan, but I suspect it will be easier in week 3, when a routine begins falling into place. I sort of hit bottom emotionally yesterday, mainly relating to work. I think there might be legitimate avenues opening up there in which I can appropriately express myself, and that will be most helpful. We have a new director, and I have high hopes for her. They are going to redesign our building, and the open office/hoteling plan is a source of much contention. I think it will go forward with or without our enthusiasm, though, so I might as well try to look forward to it. I just want it to hurry up and be done because I know what it's like to live "under construction." I have also started looking into renewing certifications, memberships, and so on, so that kind of professional development is on the docket for next week.

Day 2...Not So Great

I had to skip breakfast because of my blood tests, and I ended the day with a glass of wine and Juevos Rancheros during dinner out with a friend. There was no exercise to speak of except the approximate 3 block walk to my work meeting from the parking lot and a couple of flights up stairs. I also ate a chocolate covered pretzel and a cookie at the work meeting.

My success for today was eating a little bit of yogurt with cereal and tolerating it. Tomorrow will be a better today because I will be at home and I have stocked the house with lots of healthy choices. I'll also spend 30 minutes minimum with the exercise equipment. I'll have to figure out a strategy for Thursday and Friday when I go to more work meetings. I think I'll pack some grapes or something. Onward and upward.

A Good Day

I did pretty much what I set out to do today. I spent 30 minutes with the elliptical, Pilates ball and some small weights. I ate fruit and salad for lunch, and chicken, brown basmati rice, veggies and fruit for dinner. I haven't eaten anything since about 7:15 because I'm having fasting blood tests tomorrow morning. I missed breakfast because I got up late, but I'll do better tomorrow(after the tests). I bought a small carton of yogurt which I'm going to attempt to eat without gagging. I really, really want to like yogurt because I know it's such a healthy food. I learned to like skim milk in college, so I think I can conquer this yogurt thing.

Fitness Project Day 1

I read recently that most people have abandoned their new year's resolutions by January 2o. I really do not want that to happen, so I'm putting this up in the hope that documentation will strengthen my commitment. I have sketched out a daily meal plan and exercise routine. I will report later today whether I have successfully lived that plan.

Done!

I did not live the days leading up to the Christmas celebrations as I might have liked to, but everything turned out well. Christmas Eve and Christmas were lovely. I can't find my camera (again!) so I'm waiting on photos from some other folks.

There is a little more celebrating to do this week. Some friends from out of state are coming over for dinner tomorrow, and Friday will be the extended family celebration that has come to be known as Taco Christmas. New Year's Eve won't be the traditional celebration, but I think it will be a laid-back evening of going out to dinner followed by visiting and card-playing.

Today is just deliciously relaxing.

The Pressure is Mounting...But Not Really

I have never been so late getting ready...I mean REALLY ready for Christmas. The basics are done. The tree is up (although it could use a few more ornaments.) Most gifts are purchased, and many are wrapped, but I need quite a few more stocking stuffers. The house needs to be cleaned and the food purchased and prepared. We are changing the Christmas Eve menu a bit, so that's a slight complication. The table and other things need to be party-decorated.

I'm having a traditional Christmas season ladies-who-lunch afternoon with a couple of girlfriends today, and I am REALLY looking forward to it. I'm hoping that will kick-start my usual level of enthusiasm (but without the tension.) I've really been having a been-there, done that a million times before feeling this year. I'm hoping the result of that will be less stress and more enjoying-the-moment feelings. We'll see.

Mrs. Santa's Workshop never happened, by the way. The room actually looks like an episode of Hoarders, but I'm hoping I can create the illusion by Christmas Eve.

Vulnerability

1. Holiday preparations are not going as quickly as I would like them to.

2. This is a wonderful video.
It's about vulnerability, given by a person who is very data-driven.

Christmas 2011 Prep Days Two and Three

There are so many aspects of this season that I love (and some that with which I have a love/hate thing going on.) I came home to husband and son yesterday assembling the Christmas tree (yeah, it's fake. I love candles, and having set a tablecloth on fire once or twice, I really don't want a real tree drying out in here.) It was very nice to see after a bit of a nerve-racking drive home (beginning of the first real snow this season that ended up dumping 9.4" in my neighborhood.) It looks quite lovely out, but since my husband has been spending all morning trying to fix the starter on the snowblower, it's slowing me down a bit tree-wise. He knows how to thread the lights on the pre-lit tree through the wire angel (which must be put up first. Quite honestly, I haven't even located the angel yet.)

I took a brief lunch break and some down time to check my Facebook, and a friend had shared this.
Christmas kitsch (or as the blogger calls it, kitschmas) is one of the things I have a love/hate relationship with. Enjoy!

Christmas 2011 Prep Day One

Well, actually, I started shopping a while back, but what makes today Day One is that I'll be putting away the Fall/Thanksgiving stuff and getting out the Christmas stuff. I have a goal to create a workspace with a "Mrs. Santa's Workshop" theme in the room where I usually do my class prep/paper grading (aka the spare bedroom). I have also spent the morning Cyber-Monday shopping and think I may have actually managed to purchase a few things for others. There will also be a bit of an interruption this week because I'm preparing a birthday party for my husband this weekend. Updates and photos will follow.

Plans and Possibilities

I am currently in Week Two of three weeks off, and as usual, the time seems to fill up almost without my participation. The time so far has been spent at meetings, an art festival, a birthday party, an overnight visit from out-of-state friends and this week there will be a doctor appointment, a shopping trip, and an out-of-town shower. On top of that, my car battery has died and I will need to get that taken care of.

I had hoped to have time for things like organizing my closet, photographs, computer files, and work and hobby items, as well as doing some crafting/scrapbooking, gentle hiking, and catching up on pleasure and professional reading. Most of these things are things I have been thinking about for some time now, but just don't seem to get to. I also want to re-purpose or re-focus my blog, or maybe even start a new one in conjunction with interests I hope to pursue...gentle hiking, for example.

It seems like it should be a matter of just doing it, but I really need a dedicated space for some of these activities. I had started to do it in our spare room, then my granddaughter moved in with us for a while and stayed in that room, so I have to get her things cleared out.

Right now I think my plan might be this: start a different blog in which I document my efforts to become a healthier person (incorporating the gentle hike material), and maintain this one as the age-focused blog, and then one more professional-interest based blog. I mean, I may or may not do these things, but I think if I set them up, it would be a way to create some personal accountability for my promises to myself. It's not so much whether anyone reads them or not, although that's always nice. I just like the idea of the goals being up there in some mildly public way as both a reminder and yes, an admonishment.

Hello, 2011!

I am still putting the Christmas stuff away, but 2011 now feels like it has started. I went to Professional Development at work today and I'll start teaching my classes next Tuesday. I'm going to start taking a German class on Saturday, and I might stick around campus for open swim and a free yoga class.

2010 started off so strangely with life-threatening illnesses of family members who are now OK, thank God. I also lost it a little myself, not having come back completely from the hysterectomy at the time, but I now feel like myself again. 2010 ended wonderfully, for the most part, with my graduation from library school (I now have an MLIS, woo-hoo!) and my sister's wedding (first marriage at the age of 62...there is quite a story there and I wish it were mine to tell, but alas, it is not, at least not here.)

I am thinking about possibly going to Germany again, but I spent a night away at my mom's this past weekend (helping her move) and I got so incredibly homesick that I don't know if I really want to go unless I can persuade my hubby to go too. We do plan to take a special trip to celebrate our 30th anniversary later this year, so there is that.

Onward and upward.

In Defense of My Time (and Occasional Money) Spent in the Villes of Yo, Farm, and Frontier

I just responded to an NPR post on Facebook asking if people had ever spent real-world money on virtual games such as Farmville. I responded that I had purchased an occasional game card to furnish a house or finish a building and that I would probably buy a few cards as stocking stuffers for relatives who play. I then read comments that ranged from people who had no problem shelling out cash to people like me to others who think these games are a waste of time and money.

I spend money on many forms of entertainment, as do most people, I think--movies, cable TV, spending time with friends in coffee shops, pubs, restaurants, and as I pointed out, occasional gambling on special occasions (spring break trips to Las Vegas, anniversary trips, etc.) I also spend as much time as possible trying to enjoy myself (I don't think that is a bad thing), and I find these games pleasurable. Many commenters said that most of us spend money on various forms of entertainment.

Then there were the "purist" gamers saying these are not really games because all one does is click, click, click, I have heard previous comments such as this that these are Pavlovian, rat in a maze, exploitive games.

Well, here is my joy in playing: I like shopping and acquiring things, but this becomes a problem of money and space in the real world. Playing these games gives me the pleasure of acquisition without a pile of real stuff to have to deal with. I also feel joy similar to that when I was a child and would spend many happy hours playing house, school, and Barbies. For my friend Debbie and me, the fun of Barbies was in creating houses from toys we had as well as empty tissue boxes and other found materials. We would also create stories for our dolls. These having been different times, we would explain our lack of male dolls by saying our dolls' husbands were in VietNam (as her brothers had been.) We would stuff Little Kiddle dolls under their dresses and say they were pregnant. (Again, these being different times, we did not understand that this was problematic with the absent "husbands.")

I like playing with the Yo girl as she furnishes her rooms, the little farmer as she plants various crops and furnishes and decorates the farm, and my Frontier lady who is so much stronger than I as she chops down trees and tames the wilderness (and I actually begin to see the joy some family members of mine have from real-world "settling" of their lake property, though I would not enjoy this (having been an "indoor kid who reads"--thanks, Daniel Tosh. :-))

There were also people who say those of us who play should get out and meet people in the "real world." I have actually been able to have conversations with strangers in the real world based on playing these games...and I have actually established further relationships with people (mom of son's ex-girlfriend who has become a friend...we have even been on vacation together despite living in different states...granted, most were turn-taking word games as opposed to "Ville" games, but still...).

Then finally there was at least one commenter who said she is not judgmental about the games, but wants to know how to get them off her wall. It is not difficult at all to hide and block these games without blocking the friend.

Therefore, I shall continue to play these games until I am bored with them, and I will even probably occasionally spend small amounts of real-world cash.

Hacking Higher Education

Hacking Higher Education

This is really good stuff. This is from Maria, the lady who helped me down the top of the mountain when I panicked. Even though I'm not a "math person", I love this blog. Lots of good stuff here about teaching and learning.

Summer Stuff

So I'm sure, dear reader (do I have a reader?), you have been asking yourself, what has this blogger been up to since last she wrote in February?

I did indeed get my medical withdrawal, but I will be seeing my advisor later thisa week to see if please, dear God, I can take a different class from the one that has flummoxed me for so long. I will then get on a waiting list for fall, or if need be, take it in the winter.

Sad to report, none of the hoped-for graduations from Master's programs have (yet) taken place. I did, however, take my long-coveted trip to Germany! It was wonderful, and I did go on that Swiss Alps trip (riding the gondola most of the way, and taking a bit of a hike after that. I needed to be helped down by a traveling companion after a bit of a panic. Fortunately, she happens to be a former Girl Scout guide who used to live and hike frequently in Montana.)She is also a math instructor. Perhaps I can get her to see me through that source of anxiety as well.

Through a strange sequence of events, I was functioning as something of an exchange student. I stayed with a truly lovely young woman (a bit younger than my son) named Astrid while her parents were away. I was worried she would be very disappointed to be stuck with one of the old folks, but she could not have been kinder or more gracious. In fact, she stayed with me when it was time for the German group to come here. That was also a lot of fun. I had a potluck at my house and went to many of the outings.

There have been some high school graduations and we have a new baby in the family. (For better or worse, the parents of the new baby were two of the graduates.) The baby is beyond adorable and I am looking forward to my first opportunity to babysit.

It has been fun to watch the kids prepare their college plans (fortunately, they all have them, including baby mama and baby daddy.) It has also been fun (and fattening) to go to open houses, etc.

I also went to my first gay bar (technically, gay-friendly bar) and saw my first drag show that was not part of a bigger performance (Cher, Cirque du Soleil, etc.). I have a relative who was celebrating a significant birthday and he has won categories in some recent pageants in this milieu. I learnrd there is something of an etiquette for these performances and also learned this seems to be a friendly, intimate neighborhood type of bar that has Monday night Bingo--who would have thought that to find the smoke-free bingo I have sought lo, these many years, I would need to stop going to the churches and frequent a gay bar?

I have not talked to my relative about this yet and don't know if I will, but I have reservations about drag performances. I don't really understand how they are that much different (except for historical issues, subtleties, etc.) from blackface. There is an exaggeration of sexuality as if that is all there is to being a woman. The performers are not emulating someone like Marie Curie or Mother Teresa or Margaret Mead, but some weird idea of what being a woman is. They dance and lip-synch and the emcee jokes (in a rather hostile way, my friend and I thought) about various aspects of being a woman.

Yet I can't say I didn't have fun. My experiences in this past year have made me think (as I always have, but more so this year) about what being a woman is/means. I know it is not what they are putting out there, but maybe that's not their intent. Is it sympathetic? Is it hostile? Is it a wish? I think it's definitely a misunderstanding.

However, I was very happy for my relative when it was announced as a birthday surprise that he would be third "House Diva" meaning he will perform the first Wednesday of every month and another one of his choice. I will go see him (and the others) again because damn, it was fun.

Time Out

Well, so, long story short, this time I didn't drop the tech class, I withdrew. I'm working on getting a medical withdrawal, per the advice of my advisor. I'm not feeling particularly good about it, but there has just been an unusual confluence of events over the past year and I think my body, mind, and spirit just need recharging (and perhaps a bit of medicating). I always wondered about people who would do this kind of thing when they were ONE CLASS away from graduating, but now I guess I kind of get it.

The good thing is I'm feeling more enthusiastic about my job. I think one of the hard things was going back in January for the first time since last September. While I had the practicum in the late fall, there was lots of flexibility there. Resuming work again at the same time this class began and then having two family health crises in January was a bit much...and as these things go, they didn't play out the way I thought they would. The one I thought was the most immediately serious seems relatively resolved, and the one I thought there was time on before it created problems started being difficult right away.

I think there was also the matter of the changes at work. While those started in the summer and became more pronounced in the fall, I really didn't have time to acclimate to a lot of things before I was out for a few months. Now that I can concentrate on just my job, I'm starting to feel more comfortable in my surroundings.

I will finish this, though, because I really want it. I will use this time to develop and work a strategy for getting this done. I also need to think about strategies for handling challenges that seem to come suddenly from several different aspects of life. I also need to maintain my optimism in what seem like not very good times. Luckily, my husband is pretty good at offering perspective. It's nice to have someone who has been through a few existential crises of his own to see me through mine.