A Good Day

I did pretty much what I set out to do today. I spent 30 minutes with the elliptical, Pilates ball and some small weights. I ate fruit and salad for lunch, and chicken, brown basmati rice, veggies and fruit for dinner. I haven't eaten anything since about 7:15 because I'm having fasting blood tests tomorrow morning. I missed breakfast because I got up late, but I'll do better tomorrow(after the tests). I bought a small carton of yogurt which I'm going to attempt to eat without gagging. I really, really want to like yogurt because I know it's such a healthy food. I learned to like skim milk in college, so I think I can conquer this yogurt thing.

Fitness Project Day 1

I read recently that most people have abandoned their new year's resolutions by January 2o. I really do not want that to happen, so I'm putting this up in the hope that documentation will strengthen my commitment. I have sketched out a daily meal plan and exercise routine. I will report later today whether I have successfully lived that plan.

Done!

I did not live the days leading up to the Christmas celebrations as I might have liked to, but everything turned out well. Christmas Eve and Christmas were lovely. I can't find my camera (again!) so I'm waiting on photos from some other folks.

There is a little more celebrating to do this week. Some friends from out of state are coming over for dinner tomorrow, and Friday will be the extended family celebration that has come to be known as Taco Christmas. New Year's Eve won't be the traditional celebration, but I think it will be a laid-back evening of going out to dinner followed by visiting and card-playing.

Today is just deliciously relaxing.

The Pressure is Mounting...But Not Really

I have never been so late getting ready...I mean REALLY ready for Christmas. The basics are done. The tree is up (although it could use a few more ornaments.) Most gifts are purchased, and many are wrapped, but I need quite a few more stocking stuffers. The house needs to be cleaned and the food purchased and prepared. We are changing the Christmas Eve menu a bit, so that's a slight complication. The table and other things need to be party-decorated.

I'm having a traditional Christmas season ladies-who-lunch afternoon with a couple of girlfriends today, and I am REALLY looking forward to it. I'm hoping that will kick-start my usual level of enthusiasm (but without the tension.) I've really been having a been-there, done that a million times before feeling this year. I'm hoping the result of that will be less stress and more enjoying-the-moment feelings. We'll see.

Mrs. Santa's Workshop never happened, by the way. The room actually looks like an episode of Hoarders, but I'm hoping I can create the illusion by Christmas Eve.

Vulnerability

1. Holiday preparations are not going as quickly as I would like them to.

2. This is a wonderful video.
It's about vulnerability, given by a person who is very data-driven.

Christmas 2011 Prep Days Two and Three

There are so many aspects of this season that I love (and some that with which I have a love/hate thing going on.) I came home to husband and son yesterday assembling the Christmas tree (yeah, it's fake. I love candles, and having set a tablecloth on fire once or twice, I really don't want a real tree drying out in here.) It was very nice to see after a bit of a nerve-racking drive home (beginning of the first real snow this season that ended up dumping 9.4" in my neighborhood.) It looks quite lovely out, but since my husband has been spending all morning trying to fix the starter on the snowblower, it's slowing me down a bit tree-wise. He knows how to thread the lights on the pre-lit tree through the wire angel (which must be put up first. Quite honestly, I haven't even located the angel yet.)

I took a brief lunch break and some down time to check my Facebook, and a friend had shared this.
Christmas kitsch (or as the blogger calls it, kitschmas) is one of the things I have a love/hate relationship with. Enjoy!

Christmas 2011 Prep Day One

Well, actually, I started shopping a while back, but what makes today Day One is that I'll be putting away the Fall/Thanksgiving stuff and getting out the Christmas stuff. I have a goal to create a workspace with a "Mrs. Santa's Workshop" theme in the room where I usually do my class prep/paper grading (aka the spare bedroom). I have also spent the morning Cyber-Monday shopping and think I may have actually managed to purchase a few things for others. There will also be a bit of an interruption this week because I'm preparing a birthday party for my husband this weekend. Updates and photos will follow.

Plans and Possibilities

I am currently in Week Two of three weeks off, and as usual, the time seems to fill up almost without my participation. The time so far has been spent at meetings, an art festival, a birthday party, an overnight visit from out-of-state friends and this week there will be a doctor appointment, a shopping trip, and an out-of-town shower. On top of that, my car battery has died and I will need to get that taken care of.

I had hoped to have time for things like organizing my closet, photographs, computer files, and work and hobby items, as well as doing some crafting/scrapbooking, gentle hiking, and catching up on pleasure and professional reading. Most of these things are things I have been thinking about for some time now, but just don't seem to get to. I also want to re-purpose or re-focus my blog, or maybe even start a new one in conjunction with interests I hope to pursue...gentle hiking, for example.

It seems like it should be a matter of just doing it, but I really need a dedicated space for some of these activities. I had started to do it in our spare room, then my granddaughter moved in with us for a while and stayed in that room, so I have to get her things cleared out.

Right now I think my plan might be this: start a different blog in which I document my efforts to become a healthier person (incorporating the gentle hike material), and maintain this one as the age-focused blog, and then one more professional-interest based blog. I mean, I may or may not do these things, but I think if I set them up, it would be a way to create some personal accountability for my promises to myself. It's not so much whether anyone reads them or not, although that's always nice. I just like the idea of the goals being up there in some mildly public way as both a reminder and yes, an admonishment.

Hello, 2011!

I am still putting the Christmas stuff away, but 2011 now feels like it has started. I went to Professional Development at work today and I'll start teaching my classes next Tuesday. I'm going to start taking a German class on Saturday, and I might stick around campus for open swim and a free yoga class.

2010 started off so strangely with life-threatening illnesses of family members who are now OK, thank God. I also lost it a little myself, not having come back completely from the hysterectomy at the time, but I now feel like myself again. 2010 ended wonderfully, for the most part, with my graduation from library school (I now have an MLIS, woo-hoo!) and my sister's wedding (first marriage at the age of 62...there is quite a story there and I wish it were mine to tell, but alas, it is not, at least not here.)

I am thinking about possibly going to Germany again, but I spent a night away at my mom's this past weekend (helping her move) and I got so incredibly homesick that I don't know if I really want to go unless I can persuade my hubby to go too. We do plan to take a special trip to celebrate our 30th anniversary later this year, so there is that.

Onward and upward.

In Defense of My Time (and Occasional Money) Spent in the Villes of Yo, Farm, and Frontier

I just responded to an NPR post on Facebook asking if people had ever spent real-world money on virtual games such as Farmville. I responded that I had purchased an occasional game card to furnish a house or finish a building and that I would probably buy a few cards as stocking stuffers for relatives who play. I then read comments that ranged from people who had no problem shelling out cash to people like me to others who think these games are a waste of time and money.

I spend money on many forms of entertainment, as do most people, I think--movies, cable TV, spending time with friends in coffee shops, pubs, restaurants, and as I pointed out, occasional gambling on special occasions (spring break trips to Las Vegas, anniversary trips, etc.) I also spend as much time as possible trying to enjoy myself (I don't think that is a bad thing), and I find these games pleasurable. Many commenters said that most of us spend money on various forms of entertainment.

Then there were the "purist" gamers saying these are not really games because all one does is click, click, click, I have heard previous comments such as this that these are Pavlovian, rat in a maze, exploitive games.

Well, here is my joy in playing: I like shopping and acquiring things, but this becomes a problem of money and space in the real world. Playing these games gives me the pleasure of acquisition without a pile of real stuff to have to deal with. I also feel joy similar to that when I was a child and would spend many happy hours playing house, school, and Barbies. For my friend Debbie and me, the fun of Barbies was in creating houses from toys we had as well as empty tissue boxes and other found materials. We would also create stories for our dolls. These having been different times, we would explain our lack of male dolls by saying our dolls' husbands were in VietNam (as her brothers had been.) We would stuff Little Kiddle dolls under their dresses and say they were pregnant. (Again, these being different times, we did not understand that this was problematic with the absent "husbands.")

I like playing with the Yo girl as she furnishes her rooms, the little farmer as she plants various crops and furnishes and decorates the farm, and my Frontier lady who is so much stronger than I as she chops down trees and tames the wilderness (and I actually begin to see the joy some family members of mine have from real-world "settling" of their lake property, though I would not enjoy this (having been an "indoor kid who reads"--thanks, Daniel Tosh. :-))

There were also people who say those of us who play should get out and meet people in the "real world." I have actually been able to have conversations with strangers in the real world based on playing these games...and I have actually established further relationships with people (mom of son's ex-girlfriend who has become a friend...we have even been on vacation together despite living in different states...granted, most were turn-taking word games as opposed to "Ville" games, but still...).

Then finally there was at least one commenter who said she is not judgmental about the games, but wants to know how to get them off her wall. It is not difficult at all to hide and block these games without blocking the friend.

Therefore, I shall continue to play these games until I am bored with them, and I will even probably occasionally spend small amounts of real-world cash.

Hacking Higher Education

Hacking Higher Education

This is really good stuff. This is from Maria, the lady who helped me down the top of the mountain when I panicked. Even though I'm not a "math person", I love this blog. Lots of good stuff here about teaching and learning.

Summer Stuff

So I'm sure, dear reader (do I have a reader?), you have been asking yourself, what has this blogger been up to since last she wrote in February?

I did indeed get my medical withdrawal, but I will be seeing my advisor later thisa week to see if please, dear God, I can take a different class from the one that has flummoxed me for so long. I will then get on a waiting list for fall, or if need be, take it in the winter.

Sad to report, none of the hoped-for graduations from Master's programs have (yet) taken place. I did, however, take my long-coveted trip to Germany! It was wonderful, and I did go on that Swiss Alps trip (riding the gondola most of the way, and taking a bit of a hike after that. I needed to be helped down by a traveling companion after a bit of a panic. Fortunately, she happens to be a former Girl Scout guide who used to live and hike frequently in Montana.)She is also a math instructor. Perhaps I can get her to see me through that source of anxiety as well.

Through a strange sequence of events, I was functioning as something of an exchange student. I stayed with a truly lovely young woman (a bit younger than my son) named Astrid while her parents were away. I was worried she would be very disappointed to be stuck with one of the old folks, but she could not have been kinder or more gracious. In fact, she stayed with me when it was time for the German group to come here. That was also a lot of fun. I had a potluck at my house and went to many of the outings.

There have been some high school graduations and we have a new baby in the family. (For better or worse, the parents of the new baby were two of the graduates.) The baby is beyond adorable and I am looking forward to my first opportunity to babysit.

It has been fun to watch the kids prepare their college plans (fortunately, they all have them, including baby mama and baby daddy.) It has also been fun (and fattening) to go to open houses, etc.

I also went to my first gay bar (technically, gay-friendly bar) and saw my first drag show that was not part of a bigger performance (Cher, Cirque du Soleil, etc.). I have a relative who was celebrating a significant birthday and he has won categories in some recent pageants in this milieu. I learnrd there is something of an etiquette for these performances and also learned this seems to be a friendly, intimate neighborhood type of bar that has Monday night Bingo--who would have thought that to find the smoke-free bingo I have sought lo, these many years, I would need to stop going to the churches and frequent a gay bar?

I have not talked to my relative about this yet and don't know if I will, but I have reservations about drag performances. I don't really understand how they are that much different (except for historical issues, subtleties, etc.) from blackface. There is an exaggeration of sexuality as if that is all there is to being a woman. The performers are not emulating someone like Marie Curie or Mother Teresa or Margaret Mead, but some weird idea of what being a woman is. They dance and lip-synch and the emcee jokes (in a rather hostile way, my friend and I thought) about various aspects of being a woman.

Yet I can't say I didn't have fun. My experiences in this past year have made me think (as I always have, but more so this year) about what being a woman is/means. I know it is not what they are putting out there, but maybe that's not their intent. Is it sympathetic? Is it hostile? Is it a wish? I think it's definitely a misunderstanding.

However, I was very happy for my relative when it was announced as a birthday surprise that he would be third "House Diva" meaning he will perform the first Wednesday of every month and another one of his choice. I will go see him (and the others) again because damn, it was fun.

Time Out

Well, so, long story short, this time I didn't drop the tech class, I withdrew. I'm working on getting a medical withdrawal, per the advice of my advisor. I'm not feeling particularly good about it, but there has just been an unusual confluence of events over the past year and I think my body, mind, and spirit just need recharging (and perhaps a bit of medicating). I always wondered about people who would do this kind of thing when they were ONE CLASS away from graduating, but now I guess I kind of get it.

The good thing is I'm feeling more enthusiastic about my job. I think one of the hard things was going back in January for the first time since last September. While I had the practicum in the late fall, there was lots of flexibility there. Resuming work again at the same time this class began and then having two family health crises in January was a bit much...and as these things go, they didn't play out the way I thought they would. The one I thought was the most immediately serious seems relatively resolved, and the one I thought there was time on before it created problems started being difficult right away.

I think there was also the matter of the changes at work. While those started in the summer and became more pronounced in the fall, I really didn't have time to acclimate to a lot of things before I was out for a few months. Now that I can concentrate on just my job, I'm starting to feel more comfortable in my surroundings.

I will finish this, though, because I really want it. I will use this time to develop and work a strategy for getting this done. I also need to think about strategies for handling challenges that seem to come suddenly from several different aspects of life. I also need to maintain my optimism in what seem like not very good times. Luckily, my husband is pretty good at offering perspective. It's nice to have someone who has been through a few existential crises of his own to see me through mine.

My Sad and Desperate Reflection

Strangely, I'm hoping this helps. If I can dump all this negativity onto the page, perhaps I can overcome the mental block I'm currently experiencing. I've already done 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer, had a good cry (scared the dog), had a rousing chase and play session with the dog, and I still feel stupid and useless and I don't know what to do.

I have a horrible class that until recently, I've been calling the Scary Tech Class. I decided that was part of what was giving me a negative attitude about the whole thing and decided I would stop doing that. It is an online web site development class. It uses a combination of a book which uses Notepad and a bit of deprecated code which we are not to use. It has a software program which, until this semester, I have been unable to download and install on my computer. (Was finally able to do it on my husband's new desktop, necessitated by the big Hard Drive Crash of '09. Long story.) We have the new version of the Web development software, but the training DVDs are geared to the previous version. (I have dropped the class twice before. Once for not such great reasons and the second time because I had to have my (oft-discussed on this blog) surgery.

There are two projects a week and last week, I thought I got at least one of them, but the professor sent back a bunch of corrections. I made a couple, but I'm not comprehending a couple of them. For people who know this stuff, it's not that complicated and would be embarrassing if anyone who knows what's going on saw what the problem was. I ended up getting 0 credit last week even though I worked hard. Now I am probably going to get 0 credit this week too. This means that if I do everything else perfectly (not likely) the best I can end up with is a B.

This is the last class I need to get my Master's. I have been at this for three years. I have established a very nice GPA--not perfect--but something I'm pleased and proud of. I feel I genuinely worked for it, and now this class might keep me from graduating. When I shared a few family and personal problems (primarily health-related) that are going on right now, the professor suggested I might want to drop the class and try this or a different tech class in the Spring/Summer. My husband and I both decided against that because of my two previous drops and we both really want me to be done. Today would have been the last day to drop with a full tuition refund (minus the registration fee, as always).

It's not so much the projects themselves, but I have to submit them via these links on the web site and I can't get them right. In addition to the file and folder naming and placing issues I have, it's not helping that on the lecture videos, the professor's screen is somewhat different from mine (Previous version? I'm not sure.) One problem is I'm not sure what "translates." I don't have an intuitive sense of this, and in these situations, even when I think I do, I'm wrong.

Another thing that's getting to me is a few classmates have made their sites available, and while they vary in quality and complexity, they seem to be "getting it" and I will be two weeks behind tomorrow if this situation continues. That is one thing I hate about online classes (even though I like some onlike classes). In a regular class, even if I end up doing well, if I start out slow I can usually meet a kindred spirit befuddled as I am. I have even had this happen when I've had one online class and one face-to-face class. There will usually be someone taking the same classes with whom I can compare war stories. The ones who are getting it are posting, and the ones like me are lying low. Well, of course, I also have little to post. It just feels so lonely.

I'm mad at myself, too, because I had an offer of help this past weekend from someone who has done this for a living, but I thought I could get it myself; I did not. One of the issues is I feel bad imposing on someone's professional skills, and the other was it was just an awkward weekend. It was my son's birthday and we were taking him out, and it was my first chance to visit a relative in the hospital since she had surgery (I was there that day) and she had been moved from the neuro ICU. I tried to contact him tonight but haven't received a message back.

This is not like a writing assignment in which I can dump a bunch of stuff on a page, then organize and revise it. It has to be done just so, and if it isn't, I can't do the rest of it. I'm stuck, stuck, stuck, and I stare at my screen and re-watch the videos and re-read the book chapters and...nothing. I really need to be taught this stuff in person, but all the tech classes in my program are online now.

Well, back to the salt mines. Wish me luck. I sure as hell need it.

I was looking at my last post and feeling a little deja-vu-ish. Again, I now have two seriously ill family members. I am hoping for some graduation and celebration action this spring (me, and just maybe my son.) I want to belatedly celebrate my 50th birthday, and I am actually kind of looking into a possible trip to Germany (except I found out there might be hiking in the Alps involved, and I really don't want to do that. I'm not what you call an outdoor gal. There have, in fact, been threats in the past to expel me from group camping trips.I would not be the first person thrown off Survivor because I would be totally non-threatening, but I would be thrown off soon because I would be the weakest link.)

I have discovered that illness involves a lot of waiting...for news, for information about treatments, for sitting around during treatments and waiting for them to work, and waiting to feel better, and this is definitely a waiting for more news phase. One goes ahead and makes plans then, and proceeds as if nothing is different, but of course always knowing that it is.

So meanwhile, I will try to finish the last class standing between me and my degree, jump through the other hoops involved, keep adjusting to the fact that I can not control the decisions of other adult people (but still try to figure out how I can positively influence them), beg to be able to go to Germany but not be made to hike, and just try to ride the waves as they come. (Not literally, of course. I would drown.)

Things I Did in the First Decade of this Century

Started a new job at which I still work. Went to my stepdad's funeral. Briefly took medicine for anxiety and depression. Went to China, Amsterdam, and St. Petersburg, Russia. Started a blog. Had a big party to celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary. Went to my 30-year high school reunion. Waited as family members had bypass surgery, breast cancer surgery, hip surgery due to a serious auto accident, and chemotherapy. Visited Little Rock and Fayetteville, Arkansas, Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, Austin, Texas and San Diego, California. Fractured a metatarsal; had an endometrial ablation and a hysterectomy. Started graduate school (but delayed finishing until this decade because of the previous items). Saw my son graduate from high school and college and start grad school. Hoping greedily for all good stuff in the next decade.

Back to Reality

It has been six weeks since my surgery, and I will have to return to at least some portions of my real life. Here are some of the things I will miss about recovery:

• Getting dressed whenever I want, if at all
• Watching The Doctors and Everybody Loves Raymond reruns (and really guilty pleasures, the occasional Bewitched or Beverly Hillbillies rerun)
  
• Flowers, cards, gifties like tea, candy, and stuffed animals to hold on my belly, getting taken to lunch (some overlap in attention here in that my birthday occurred during the recovery period)
• Getting asked how I feel all the time
  
• Permission to be self-centered
• Playing with my scrapbook stuff (did not get many actual pages done, but played with my stuff a lot...organizing photos and supplies, cutting out things for future projects)
• Doing silly things like decoupaging wooden tissue boxes

Here are things I won't miss:

• Not being able to play with my dog
• Pain, soreness, discomfort
• The inability to find a comfortable position to sit or sleep
  
• Not being able to watch a comedy special or a funny movie because it hurts too much to laugh
• The Creeping Weepies
  
• Boredom!

So right now I'm in the middle...have not been officially "released" yet, but know I will be soon, and feeling well enough to participate in some, but not all, the stuff of life.

On the Mend

Tuesday will be the five-week mark for my surgery. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I am so, so, so happy I don't have to return to work right now as many women on my online support group must. I drove for just a short distance Monday night, to the mall, which is very close to my house. In better times (and better weather), I have walked there. I usually don't, though, for shopping, in case I have to carry something back. I met a friend there for coffee/dinner, and we walked around the mall a bit.

Friday I drove my husband to the car repair place to pick up his car, then I stopped at a nearby shopping center and drove myself home. That was a bit more of a challenge because my seatbelt was putting pressure on my incision area, and checking my blind spots was a bit uncomfortable. It was also more exhausting then I thought; when I checked the time in my car, I was surprised I hadn't been shopping much, much longer than I had.

The issues now, then, are discomfort more than pain, a lack of flexibility (I was distressed to discover that what I wanted at JoAnn's was on a bottom shelf and I would not be able to look the items over without help), and a lack of stamina. However, I had about 15 sensation-free minutes this morning in which I forgot I was "Surgery Girl" or "Recovery Girl" as one of the ladies has described it.

I went to a Halloween get-together last night dressed as my interpretation of a Mad Men character, "an unnnamed employee of Sterling-Cooper." Not only did this give me a chance to pay homage to one of my favorite TV shows, but also to wear the silly bouffant wig I found at the costume store. I so admired the puffy hairdos my older sister and her friends wore, but when my time came, straight hair, then Farrah hair and hideous perms were the trend. (I regret to say that I often went the hideous perm route.)

I was proud of not only going to that get-together, but pulling together a costume (of sorts) that involved putting on a wig and false eyelashes and struggling into pantyhose twice (I discovered the first pair had a run). Spending time at a party really helped me to feel more normal, I think.

I will return to my practicum in about a week-and-a-half, I think (I also completed and turned in an online assignment for the practicum seminar this past week). I am preparing items for the project I will do when I get back, and tomorrow I will re-enroll for the scary tech class I have dropped twice (let's hope the third time is indeed a charm.) I'm glad to be slowly returning to real life, but I am especially glad to have the opportunity to take it slowly.

The Gypsy 24-hour Design Challenge Project by Susan Edwards

Please vote for my very talented friend Susan's project so she can win a trip to NYC. She is an amazing scrapbooker and paper crafter, among her many other talents. Voting ends tomorrow, Wednesday, October 28 at 11:59 p.m.

The Gypsy 24-hour Design Challenge Project by Susan Edwards

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Weepy Day

Everything is going on and nothing is going on. There is, of course, my aforementioned surgery, from which I am still recovering. This appears to be "weepy day" in the recovery process. As I also mentioned before, I have a bag of hormone patches, but whenever I have been tempted to use them, I start to wonder whether my issue is a result of the surgery itself, which is a pretty big trauma to one's body, or the new issues created by the surgery, for which the patches are intended.

Complicating that, I just collected a batch of early birthday cards from the mailbox. This will be my 50th birthday, so most of the cards mention that. I am fine with turning 50, but before this surgery came up, I had grand ideas about how I might spend this milestone. One idea was a special trip, maybe to Germany. However, before this surgery came up, I knew I would be enrolled in the scary tech class, so a trip was out. I had a variety of other ideas, but now just getting something like "dressed" is kind of a victory (stretchy high-waisted exercise pants and tops that cover my hips). So now I guess I will be doing next to nothing to mark this milestone.

It's not that I am being ignored. I have been receiving cards. Earlier this week my new phone arrived, a nice new phone I've been asking for. My husband also got a phone. We have been sharing one relatively basic cell phone for years, so this will be nice, especially when I can figure out our plan and how to use the various features on my phone without unintentionally running up a huge bill.

As I started writing this, my husband was in the basement trying to finish a scrapbook cabinet he has been making for me, so that's certainly nice. Then he came up and saw I was upset, and I explained the cards and said, "This is going to be a sucky birthday." To his credit, he said, "Yes, it is."

But then he said he had been thinking it's also kind of an opportunity. Because I will be taking the next session of work off (my recommended recovery period goes well into the session, so I just decided to ask to take it off and make myself available to sub when I feel better), we might be able to take a mini-vacation when I'm feeling up to it.

I feel a lot better now.

(By the way, the other upside is I had an excuse to postpone the scary tech class again, even though I am still doing my practicum. This will delay my graduation one semester, but, hey, i've waited this long to get that degree.)